Hell is boring. I know that will be hard for many of you to believe. We have all the cool stuff. We have the drugs, sex, alcohol and all the wonderful music. It is true though; it gets boring. So I joined social media and am spending some time on earth. I’ve been at the job for so long now that I think I deserve a break. When I announced this, well, for want of a better term. All hell broke loose.
I was told that I should not go near you people. They said that social media is the cesspool of humanity and that I would see things that would even make me blush. Wow though, when I mentioned the idea to Lillith — and why should I not, behind every good Devil is a great Demoness — well, she gave me the look that has been known to make Vlad crawl into the corner and suck his thumb.
None of it is true though, you have all been so lovely! All day I spent talking to you and only one person was rude! We all know that was penis envy, so we can forgive him. I’ve seen all kinds of animals, lots and lots of dogs. We can’t have dogs down here, they get all uptight around the ghosts. I love dogs. Oh, I watched a silly fat fucker trying to put people off from voting. They’ll have fun with that daft sod down in gluttony. Vote humans! It is important. Do you think you get to vote in Hell, or in Heaven? Take advantage of these things while you still have them.
However, social media has cleared up one of those great mysteries. Something that has been bugging me for so long. You lot used to pray to me all the time. Oh, I want this. Oh, give me that. It was pointless. If you will pray to me, then you were going to end up down here. Why would I help you when I don’t have to do anything? That is not the point, though. The point is this; I had noticed the lack of prayer in recent years. Like watching a demon grow up, it took me by surprise. One day they inundated me with the things, every second of every day. Then slowly they dried, leaving me in peace. Looking back, I can see the pattern. I just presumed you had all turned into goody goodies, oh how wrong I was!
You are just praying to the wrong thing! You are using social media to vent your frustrations instead of turning to us Gods. You should stop this. You are all the same, you all end up in similar places. You are going up or down depending on many factors, what you do now is important. Be nicer to each other, you can’t agree or get along with everyone, but why waste your energy on someone who you will never agree with? You are just fighting with a stone, no matter what happens, you ain’t going to win. It is always going to be a stone.
Be nice, be king and have fun. Drink, screw and laugh. Smoke, chill and be happy. You have nothing to lose, your life is short it is all going to end no matter what you do. Be kind, be nice, and most of all have fun!