An Idiot’s Guide – To Heaven and Hell!
An Idiot’s Guide…
I’m often asked, “when are you coming to collect these souls?” Or, “why don’t you do something about it?” Finally, I am regularly asked if I have the room in Hell. These are all questions that have complex and straightforward answers. I use straightforward, simplistic answers a lot. I am going to find a middle ground. I may verge into the nonsensical, but you understand that we immortals do not see the world in the same manner you do. It is not our fault, and we try, but we were built differently for different reasons. It is like asking a human to explain the complexities of a black hole to a cat. The human would sit and start talking about gravity, maybe using a ball spinning around a hole to demonstrate. The cat would eventually give up, as it had already learnt this, and will wander as it looks for something else to play with.
This will not be easy, so I shall keep it as medium straightforwardly as possible.
PT1 – Heaven and Hell
Hell is big. It is not infinitely big, but it is pretty large and is nowhere near full. Heaven has the same limitations for reasons I have no desire to explain. Who the fuck cares about Heaven, right? You would be surprised at how similar the places are. My human will cover all that razzamatazz at a later date. No pressure there then!
Humans think of Hell as one place; it is not, nor ever has been, this black and white. Imagine if you will that you enjoy sex; who doesn’t? The Hippy Biography will bang on about how you will go to Hell or some such nonsense. Why? You have done nothing wrong. You’ve done nothing else wrong; you enjoyed fully consensual, legal screwing! So, you end up in Heaven only to discover that they have 69 rules surrounding the missionary position, and that is all you can do; suddenly, sex is not all that much fun. Sure, you try it out for a while, writhing around like a fish out of water that is on something as inactive as a rotting potato, but you’d get bored. You ended up in Hell because you liked to screw!
“But but but but Mr Satan Sir”, you would say, “I only liked to fuck, so why am I in Hell? I led a good and honest life; why do I deserve this?” I would look down upon you as I would sit on a pillar of bones, and I would say, “Ha human! You liked to screw! That is worse than murdering a hundred humans and then repenting at the last minute!” Only I wouldn’t because that is fucking stupid. Picture the worst potential human you can imagine. The most depraved, uncaring, dare I say it, evil human imaginable. Now picture one that wasn’t elected. Ask yourself, what would they find more of a hell? Would they rather be down in Hell or in super prude land?
Heaven and Hell both have good and evil souls. The locations are not important; they do not matter. You can be evil in life and still go upwards, or you can be good and go downwards. If you deserve it, you will have a good time; no matter where you end up. If you justify punishment, you will get it. If your idea of a good time is being punished… Oh, you get the point. This isn’t complex, really, is it?
Humans, think of yourself as an apple. You are all juicy and tasty on the outside. Red and crunchy, but oh so delicious. The mouth-watering taste drips from your teeth as you take the first bite. The feeling as your teeth plunges into the smoothness under the skin. When you have finished gorging on the scrumptious
human, err, apple. You are left with a pip, the seed of life. If you take that pip and throw it on the floor. Stamp on it, grind the heel of your shoe into it and rub it along the ground. What is left is a powdery mess; one ickle bitty part of that is you. I’m the same, so don’t get offended. What makes me, me. Or you, you. Or indeed, them, them. Is that tiny little spec. The DNA and all the other shite, you share that with everything. That tiny, weeny, little bit. That is what makes you unique.
When someone says, “Oh Hell (Heaven) must be getting full”, think of how much dust you could store in your home. Then think of how much I can store in a larger place than any world you could imagine. That is why neither Heaven nor Hell will be packed and overflowing any time soon.